guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
