Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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