had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
