I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
