hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
