I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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