Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
