Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Small penises have feelings too.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
