I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
