It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
