How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
