Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
