just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
