wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize