My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
