i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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