He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
