I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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