i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
