It's a beautiful day for a hangover
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
