I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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