So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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