2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm so fucking centered right now
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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