I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
