actually, I'm a sock model
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
