u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
