I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
