You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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