I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
