I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize