When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
