I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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