Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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