After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
