Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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