come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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