Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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