Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
