Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
