i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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