You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I currently don't understand fingers.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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