That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
