i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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