I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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