Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
