I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Alive.
So much puke
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
