Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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