my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
