We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
