Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
