now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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