my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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