I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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