i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
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