I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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