I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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