I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
