So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
