i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Sext me about skeletons
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
