You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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