I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
